never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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