I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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