My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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