i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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