I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
