I think my vagina is haunted
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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