Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
