I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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