my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
