toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
