I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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