he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
