i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
