if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
