She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
