I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
