I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
