we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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