I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
