Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
