batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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