I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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