On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
