My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
