don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
