She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
