somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
