There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
