I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
