she takes plan B like it's going out of style
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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