can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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