I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
