I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
