Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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