Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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