dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
