Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
