about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
