I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
