sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
