I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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