dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
