Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
