The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
