marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i want to swaddle you in tequila
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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