Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
