Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
