I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
