True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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