So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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